What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 01:09
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Ive learnt so much.
What did i know ?
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My family never makes their pension either.
I said to her
What is the dirtiest thing you have witnessed your wife do?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Was Michael Jackson really an innocent person?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
How long can a marriage survive after a long-term affair?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We were not on the streets..
What happens psychologically to a man the first time he gets penetrated anally?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Would this be the day?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She was in good health!
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I think the readers, may guess!
Do you remember one day, you put a deep smile on someone's face and made them very happy?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Are you afraid to get married and why?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Why is only the left side of my vagina bleeding, on and off?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She wouldn,t have been !
Why does the God of the Bible condemn homosexual acts?
Put me off passion for life!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
This is soul school!.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was seconnd youngest,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was very sick at this time too.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She married twice! .
One cannot live in the past .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It was going to be , some day.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Was to survive, this bastard.
When she asked me how she looked .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She found it foreign!.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Who then, do I blame.?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So whats the point in blame.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
So, i spoilt her more .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He knew the spot.
All the time i was locked up.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was 9 years of age.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was scared of men, in general
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Comes on , in middle age.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Especially a lifetime of it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im still living with it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We all went to grammer schools
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I will be 64.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She loved him until the end.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I don,t even have a pension.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I waited trembling.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But, we were locked up after school.
My life is so biszare .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I have no regrets .
But ive been too sick for many years..
As i do to all so called friends.?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And i lived it daily.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I write beautiful poetry .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But it wasn’t much.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.